Have you ever asked yourself that question? Sometimes it is a reflextion of what you are currently working on. Other times it is emotional or psychological.
I found myself asking this question frequently while holding my head in November at work. Somehow my health was starting to fail again and what I normally did had become increasing more difficult. I started working through lunch to stay on top of my daily duties. I started 24 hour oxygen in November.
December was a short month for school. But, again, I found myself once again asking the same question, but at home. I had to start evaluating where I was in standing with the transplant process and/or retirement. I had a virtual appointment with a Dr. from Mayo clinic in Jacksonville for January. I just needed to make it until then to make a decision. (Boy was I wrong.)
January came and went with a promise of being evaluated for a new set of lungs. I still found myself holding my head a work asking myself “What am I doing? What am I really doing?” At the end of the month, my oxygen tanked and I couldn’t get it to come above 75 and my feet were severly swollen. I left work early and went to ER. I was immediately transfered to ICU. I had thrown another pulmonary embolism (actually more than one). My anti-coagulant had not done its job.
February started me out in ICU and missing FTE at work. That is the week the state looks at all transactions, attendance, meetings, etc. to get funding for the schools.I returned to work using a cane and asking the OT at work how to use it and a walker. A promise of spending spring break in Jacksonville at Mayo was being scheduled.
March was hard to get through. Spent spring break being tortured by Mayo Clinic to see if I qualified for a double lung transplant. Came home in a wrist brace with tons of bruises along with exhaustion. No rest for the weary. I was blessed with a surprise of two wonderful co-workers who stayed in the same hotel with us and helped us to survive that week. I couldn’t have made it without them.
April was full of hope, yet I still found myself questioning as to whether I had done the right thing by returning to work after being hospitalized in February. Just in case, I started the disability retirement packet to have ready.
I was informed that I did not qualify at the beginning of May for the transplant. I was too small, not enough psycho social support and Esophageal dysphagia would cause too many problems. Bottom line….I was too sick to survive the surgery. I filed for disability retirement, spoke to the principal about retiring, working remotely twice a week again and stopped driving completely. At the end of May I ended up in the hospital with pnuemonia.
Getting to the end of the school year was a challenge. I made it.
It was nice to be recognized. I am no longer asking myself what I am doing. I am doing what i need to be doing. Thanking God for every second He has given me each day.